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July 06 2010
00:45
I want to die.
I want to die, without a whisper of doubt in me.
I want to leave this place and find solace in the darkness of the lack of divinity.
I want to be freed. I want to be set free.
I want to slowly lose feeling in my limbs and slowly
,but surely,
feel, and then not feel, my soul escaping.
The worst part of dying is the horror when your soul dissolves and then turns in the dark, searching for the telltale light-
searching for open arms-
finding only a maze of blackness.
This is what happens then:
you are nothing.
June 13 2010
02:56
Garage Sale extravaganza! (small scale)
Bob Dylan tank top
Green polka dotted sweater
Johnny Cash: The Johnny Cash Show LPThe Rough Guide to Bob Dylan
Queen: Greatest Hits cassette
Big Fish DVD
Umbrella rainbow ring
Vintage Roget's Thesaurus
(Also, one delicious brownie made by a darling old woman, which was devoured quickly)
May 07 2010
04:00
I notice when I'm upset with you I look at you with the neutral curiosity of a stranger. I notice the white heads on your nose, and the way your pores and freckles blend together. I look at the hairs on your arms and the stubble on your cheeks and I think to myself "His eyelashes are light; his eyes have green flecks in them." and thoughts of love do not swim across my head in great strides. They hide behind lobes and dendrites. They slide across my scalp, inconspicuous KGB spies.
May 03 2010
01:23
PROM STUFF.
Have: $97
-Urban Decay Primer Potion (18)
-Eyelash curler ( 5)
-Clutch (15)
-Boutonniere (No idea? 20?)
-Brows (12)
-Drink water
-Eat fruit. And healthy foods.
-Take a walk every day.
-Day before: -Get brows done
-Dye hair
-Day of:
-Masque
May 01 2010
06:28
I can't sleep. I wish I was talking to you now, but you are sleeping. What a role reversal. I miss you.
April 29 2010
01:14
Shopping extravaganza II!
-Lashblast Luxe mascara
-Maybelline Dream Matte Mouse in Light Ivory
-Clean & Clear Deep Action Cream Cleanser
-Organic Wear pressed powder in Creamy Natural Organics
-Two black ballpoint pens
-Butterfly and tulle hair-comb
-Tulle and feather headband
-Red and black heart-shaped sunglasses
-White and black lacy bra
-Blue and pink floral vintage pajama shorts
-Pink and green floral vintage pajama shorts
-Draped red quarter-sleeve sweater
-Dark wash skinny jeans
-Black skinny jeans
-Black suspenders (stepped on and broke others)
-Love Spell perfume
-Pure Seduction hand sanitizer
April 26 2010
02:57
And thus here we are,
you and I: clueless creatures,
wandering the sky.
The orchestras on
the television do not
compare to our score.
I am electric.
With your arms around me, yours.
My switches switch on.
Soft palms beat, strings hum.
The universe shrinks away,
to one lost pilgrim.
On alien shores,
he surveys the distance and
Ho! He sees my limbs.
Climb over my legs,
untie my appendages.
I am Achilles.
I, happier with
this heel that may evoke death;
with this heal, I'm yours.
April 23 2010
02:22
Guess what, yourself. I kind of missed talking to you.
April 22 2010
02:04
“ I love you, I've a drowning grip on your adoring face. ”— Belle & Sebastian
April 14 2010
03:39
If only money grew on trees.
-Money to get eyebrows done
-Better curling iron/s
-Better hair spray
-Or money to get hair done (revoking above two.)
-Mascara
-Powder foundation
-Bullshit book fee
-Blemish Remover
-Wrap sweater from Charlotte Russe
-Anchor necklace
-Pajama shorts from Charlotte Russe!
April 12 2010
02:37
SO.
I feel abandoned by nearly everyone except Joe. And I wouldn't mind that so terribly much if it didn't remind me of Caitlin and Troy. Being reminded of Caitlin and Troy by myself makes me feel like I'll just be a parent before I know it. Which I'm excited for and everything, but not so much that I want it to come especially quick.
My skin looks horrible. I have an estimated twenty large noticeable pimples on my face, and the rest is covered in little ones. I feel so incredibly ugly. And when I put makeup over my acne, it just looks frosting-like and completely obvious. It can't decide whether to be oily or dry- as if NORMAL isn't an option.
I keep gaining weight. My depression is back. I had to use the rubber-band thing again a while back.
Ugh.
April 11 2010
02:16
I am not cute.
I am a person.
I am 70 percent water.
I have a vagina.
I bleed from this- once each month.
I have teeth, and cavities.
I have gums that bleed when I brush them.
I have toenails that I sometimes cut crooked.
I bruise.
I vomit.
I spit.
I am not cute.
I am a person.
02:12
I was a rock. Just a rock. A large rock. Unimpressive, yet strong. Together. I was together. I was never a sedimentary rock. I was a strong, hard, together rock. And you found me. You put me in your pocket and you carried me with you and you polished me and you cut me into delicate, elegant little stones. Because stones was much prettier than a rock. Stones is an "S" and an "n" and it glides. A rock is a "K." It sits. It does not sit pretty. You cut me. I was together.
You are ruining my life.
But never let go of me.
If you let go of me- my pieces will fly every which
way.
They will fling this way
and that.
They will defy gravity and obey it. They will orbit, they will repel. They will spill everywhere.
I will be spilled milk. Something everyone has an urge to cry for, but doesn't. It's just milk.
So don't let go of me. You cut me. I was together. And now I'm in pieces. I'm your problem now. You'll have to carry me around in your arms all your life.
You are Atlas now. Atlas of the pebbles; of the stones. It's worse than earth. Because Earth is together.
Like I used to be.
01:51
I wonder what the world looks like without depression. Is it like Pleasantville, all neutral with some brilliant fuschias peeking their way out of bushes every once in a while?
All I can see are "no" signs, and "stop" signs, and red. Red everywhere. I see big red hands like hands that have just slapped me. I see angry slants like war paint. "Why not?" I ask. They give no reasoning. They just say no. The world shakes its head and sighs at me.
Defective, cracked, dented, half-off.
I see fragments of white plastic stuck to the jutting points of fences like birds clamped in metal teeth. Flapping in the wind, all I can think of is doves. Trapped doves. Beautiful doves. But it's just plastic.
With every cookie cutter house, every cookie cutter insect car, every mannequin speaking and walking and taking on all human properties as though it has every right to- I go a bit more insane. I cannot live among this- I am the cookie cutter conceived with consciousness. I am flailing my lack of arms, and kicking my lack of legs, and yelling, shouting, pervading, echoing my lack of voice to the thousands and thousands of the lack of ears. There are no ears in this universe, for I hear nothing but my own internal dialogue, useless. Talking and talking with the lack-of-a-tongue. Tongues are for tasting and for kissing. I can't feel anymore. I have no use for a tongue.
Why does everything hurt? Why is it all torture?
Why is illness torture, and why are flowers torture, and why is hot and cold torture?
Death both frightens and beckons me each moment.
Like a roller coaster it is; only the stairs leading up to the cars are frightening. The ride itself is a thrill, and the end is peace. Paz. The only place such a thing exists. Death is the only place; planet of peace- so pleased I would be to be a piece of that peace, paling in comparison to the paltry polish of the earth's crust. Crackly cackling, cackling at me. Hacking coughs into my face and spitting on me all of the time. The universe bullies me, crumples me and throws me back, dribbles me like a recreational toy. Regurgitates me with its many stomachs. Laughs at me with its many laughs.
And I try to laugh back, but all I have to laugh with is my lack-of-a-mouth from which only escapes a raw lack-of-a-laugh. Because it isn't my joke. It's lack-of-God's.
April 09 2010
15:41
15:19
I think it's supposed to start in four days! My mom's trying to find out. Haha
15:18
Well, if that's not Joe I don't know what is. Plus the rest of that crowd.
15:11
DREAMS DON'T HAVE MEANINGS
I wrote this in my blog in my dream, so I thought maybe I should record it in real life:
I don't know what's happening. A boy who was arguing with his girlfriend in the cafe just gave her a yellow piece of candy with something written on it. And she laughed and said "Of course! Forever!!" And they embraced. You know. I don't what's happening. The earth is on a tilt. Everyone is magnetized to this tilt, except me. Thus I am crooked. The only one.
I spoke to Dayna Speelman and her new boyfriend and another couple in the cafeteria. Dayna's boyfriend talked without pause about the earth being tilted and God being a satirical vengeful man.
I was late to be home, because Joe and I had been fighting or something. Anyway, I was trying to avoid him. After that, I was going to walk home from school, and it wasn't my real school, but my dream school, which is always the same with the same routes home. Outside, Markenya was standing on one of those parking lot islands and she said "Hey!" and I asked her which way was fastest, and she started to tell me but was interrupted by Joe who said "That way diagonally." and Markenya said "That slant." simulataneously, and I briefly connected it with the tilt of everything else that I'd just written about. Everyone saw things tilted but myself. I began walking that way and was cut off completely by a small minivan, which Joe hopped into. I followed and sat in the back. Two indian siblings, an older sister and younger brother were inside. They had accents. The boy said "Why are you in our car?" and the girl said "Yes, you hardly talk to us." They let Joe off without him saying one word to me.
I woke up.
April 08 2010
00:52
“ "I see myself as a huge fiery comet, a shooting star. Everyone stops, points up and gasps 'Oh look at that!' Then - whoosh, and I'm gone... and they'll never see anything like it ever again, and they won't be able to forget me - ever."-Jim Morrison ”— Facebook | Joey Xuereb
April 05 2010
13:35
Yesterday I went to Joe's for Easter. He picked me up at around three or three thirty. I was reluctant at first because I was still very upset about his show. I'd cried an hour before he picked me up. We drove to his house where we briefly spoke to his cousin, Brian. I sat on the couch and leaned against the kitchen counter and twisted my feet in unnatural positions because I am incurably antisocial. Then Joe's mom mentioned the ham had finished cooking, and Joe told her I do not eat ham, at which point she sent us to the store for some chicken especially for me. I would have respectfully declined, but the situation was terribly uncomfortable because of my lack of social-butterflydom, so I agreed. Things quickly became normal for Joe and I. We raced to the car, we scoured every food aisle, just for fun, we ate half a bag of sea salt and vinegar kettle-cooked chips. (The best kind.) When we returned, Joe's cousins arrived. Two around our age and three little ones. Brian and Joe made me chicken and pasta, which made me feel very uppity, because there had already been plenty of food stacked along the counters. After we ate, we played dominoes for five or six hours straight. I got fourth place I think, out of six. Joe won.
When he dropped me off we kissed in his car for a while, and he kept saying that he loved me so much and he was sorry for whatever he did at the show. I think he knows, but doesn't want to say it aloud. Needless to say, I think we're fine.
Now, ALICIA needs to go on AIM or something so I can tell her some newssssss.
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